Sunday, September 18, 2005 September 18, 2005Posted by johnisenglish in Journalish.
This has been quite a weekend. It began with almost painful Diff EQ homework, shortly thereafter followed by intoxicated cookie baking, the next day with a bus trip to the farmer’s market in downtown Charlotte, a PRIDE painting event, an Of Montreal Concert, some bars, and today much homework, swing dancing, and reading.
I’ve spent most of today either reading, meditating or swing dancing. Since I’ve been trying to reconcile my spiritual beliefs with physics for the past few months, I’ve been reading a lot about quantum physics, a lot about time, and a lot about Buddhism and Taoism. I don’t believe that there’s any meaning or plan to the universe anymore. I don’t believe that there’s any greator power or any afterlife. I believe that everything that we know exists because disorder inevitably leads to some sort of disorder. By both chance and pattern (because it can be both!) we in a manor of thinking go up to a higher energy state and become order – with laws of physics and coporial existance, and then go up to another energy state, experincing consciousness. Eventually everything will return to its rest state of complete disorder, and it’ll probably have more blips like this again. I really like that. It makes a lot of sense, and allows one to stop trying to apply reason to things that don’t have or need any reason. Everything just is, any other qualifiers are just an attempt to apply order where there is none.
So, I’ll go on living outside of that, beliving that drilling in the artic is bad and that public health care is good. Not because I believe that in the end those things are really good or bad – I don’t think they are at all – but because I believe that working towards those causes makes me a better person and gives me a deeper understanding of the world.
I thought about dropping out of school for a while tonight, but I decided that that’s not a very good idea because I’m learning so much now that I don’t think I could get anywhere else, and that I think I very very much need right now. I’m learning though school how the universe works on a physical level, and I’m learning though books and though thought and mediation what the implications are for all these new things. I don’t know if I really want to get a job or even be a professor / research professor, though, and least not yet. I feel like I need to go somewhere very different, to gain prespective. Somewhere intensly quite where I can go to an intellectual and spiritual extreme, so when I come back I’ll have the right balance. I don’t know where that place is. Might even be right here.