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Wednesday, September 21, 2005 September 21, 2005

Posted by johnisenglish in Journalish.
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For the first time in a while, I very much wanted a companion today. Between my solids test, all the SI sessions for tomorow’s EM test, EM lab, Circuit Theory and some other crap, there were several times today when I really felt like crying, but I didn’t have anyone to cry to. I ended up laying down in my room and listening to Radiohead, but that isn’t really the same sort of emotional release that I was feeling the need for. I actually thought about calling Leon to see if he wanted to get lunch or something, but I decided that I’d be better of spending that time studying… so I did.

I’m really dissapointed because I missed a ton of really cool shit today. There was a super cool woman who came to give a talk on Biodisel – I was in an EM SI session while that was going on – there was a progressive students meeting – I was studying for my EM test during that – and there was a Feminist Union meeting – I was studying for my EM test then, too. In fact, that was the first FU meeting that I’ve missed. Very sad. My entire week has been studying and homework. The homework gets in the way of the studying. To an extent, the lectures do, too. All the classes get in the way of each other, and when I asked my Circuits professor if I could turn in an assignment late because I have all these tests he said that managing time constraits was my own problem. My internal responce to is that I’m better off doing something latter then and learning it fully then half-assing it for the sake of an arbitrary deadline, but I didn’t pursue it, because that would’ve gotten me exactly nowhere. I really hate who professors justify bullshit policies by saying “that’s what it’s like in a real world.” First off, that’s an absurd statement – different work environments are so incredible diverse that you can’t simply lump them all together and call it “the real world,” and secondly, these classes aren’t about time mangement skills, they’re about learning physics and math. If I want better time mangement skills I’ll take a course in time mangement. So fuck off and let me use my time in the most efficent way possible – THAT’S what engineering is about.

Chris has a girlfriend again. Chris always has a girlfriend. What’s up with that? Girls stop him on the sidewalk and tell him that he’s perfect. Really, they do, I was there. Stuff like that dosen’t quite make sense to me, it’s like a type of social standing that I can’t really comprehend. For some reason I feel like people in those sorts of positions are almost worse off, because their experiences and preceptions almost nessicate some degree of arrogance. It’s not their fault, that’s just the world their born into. I think that interests me because it parallels my own shame for being born into the middle class of one of the richest countries ever. My expectations of life are so far from the norm, and so far from sustainable, so far from REASONABLE that I pretty much don’t know how to step back from that, short of renouncing western society and living in a monestary somewhere. Maybe that’s something I should do? I just don’t have a wide enough prespective to give the humanistic aspects of my life sharp definition. Too many things seem to be a given when they aren’t at all. Running water is not innately part of human life… just for starters.

Sidhartha had to experience so many extremes in order to begin to approach the truth, but I’ve only had exposure to one end of the spectrum, and I’m probably several standard deviations from the mean value. To step out of that I really have to give up all the constructs, or rather – CONSTRAINTS – that I’ve assigned to myself. I’d have to NOT plan on having a nice carer, a respectable standing in the community and a family. Those things are hardcore worldly attachments that narrow one’s prespective so so much. Not that they’re bad, but maybe that shouldn’t be my assumed path. Maybe there shouldn’t be an assumed path. Maybe I should just think about now. Right now I know I need to stay in school because I need to learn more about the mechanics of the universe. That’s where the truth is. I was thinking today that I shouldn’t adhear to any theistic beliefs that I can’t backup with tangiable evidence. Not supernatural tabloid “Bat Boy Spotted!” type evidence, but math! Math! If I can’t prove that that’s how things are, or, at least, a way of describing how things are, then I shouldn’t have any attachment to it. Spirituality needs the scientific method. BAD.

It’s so ironic that the further I go though life the more I realize that the most important things I’ve ever learned where printed on motivational posters in elementry school all along.

Use the scientific method. Embrace diversity. Love yourself. Treat others how you’d like to be treated. Hard work pays off.

They always limited the meaning of diversity to skin color. That’s silly. Lets embrace ALL diversity. Diversity of thought, of communication, of societies, of alternative energy sources, of political parties (MORE THEN TWO!), of genomes. Nothing is homogenous. Nothing ever will be homogenous. Lets stop pretending that we can make it so and realize that homogeny is a bad thing – we don’t get anything out of it; we don’t learn anything from it. It’s all about differences and changes. Just like Calculus. Relationships though various dimensions.

If I’m not at Duke this summer I think I’m going to go away. Somewhere where I’m very different. It might even be right here. That’s the thing, the world is just a catalyst for internal change. The environment dosen’t really matter as long as the internal development is the same. It’s like a conservative force – work is the same regardless of path followed.

See? engineering school is good. It gives you tools in your head. That’s the only place that anything matters, you know? It teaches you logic and relationships. Descarte should’ve taken some Engineering classes, they’d of done him well.

So if everything is going to go back to equilibrium eventually – to random nothingness – why bother refining one’s self now? Because we like order? That seems to be the only real reason, and it might be a good one, but I’m not sure…

I think that’s why though. Because we like order. That gives me a weird feeling, but at the same time – oh wait! this is good. Yes! It makes me remember not to take things so seriously. Because we’re just doing this because we want to. We could just sit around in huts and smoke pot every day, and we’d meet the same end. It’d equate to the exact same thing. So why do all this? Because we want to. It (essentially arbitrarily) seems like a good idea – it alligns with values that we’ve (essentially arbitrarily) created, so we do it. But since none of it is due to a higher purpose, we really shouldn’t get too upset about it when it dosen’t go our way. It’s okay, we’re just anti-disorder blips trying to propagate more anti-disorder before we go back to our rest state.

I feel better now. I’m going to eat vegan-icecream and watch a recorded episode of Gilmore Girls. I have a big test tomorow. I’ll get very stressed out about it, but tomorow night I’ll come back here and medidate on all these things that I know. I’ll be calm, and I’ll be content. I’ll pretty much repeat this basic pattern for the rest of my life. So it goes.

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