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Monday, November 07, 2005 November 7, 2005

Posted by johnisenglish in Journalish.
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It’s been a while since I’ve made an entry, and I should make this brief since I really really need to study for tomorrow morning’s Diff EQ test.

First and foremost, the last Swift show was incredible. I got there in a semi-bad mood, because there was a weirdness between David and I after I gave him a hard time about running a red light, but once School for Heroes started playing that all turned around. They were simply outstanding, I’m uber-impressed. Swift, of course, was amazing, they played for nearly two hours. At one point Gary started asking the crowd trivia questions about sports or something, so Chris and I yelled “Ask us Linux questions!” He did, we answered correctly. Ownage.

I have to say, although I don’t dislike anything that I do this semester individually, I dislike this semester as a whole. I’m in this very unhappy place where I have many more things to do then I can possible get done, so all these cool things which I’d normally enjoy don’t happen as they should, and come out mediocre at best. Then I begin the resent this predicament, making matters that much worse. What a shame?

I suppose it’s good, though, that I’m learning this now. Hopefully I’ll have the foresight to avoid these types of situations again. I think next semester will be somewhat better, but I have to decide between doing research with Prof. Elliot on toxicity of biochems, or doing the spring dance concert. I’d absolutely love to do both, but I can’t. I CAN’T, and I have to keep telling myself that. If I do I will not be happy. The thing is, I need to cut out dance performances. As much as I love it it’s just not a realistic thing for me to be doing right now.

I could, in theory, spend yet another extra semester here, which would bring my total undergrad time to 5.5 years, and my total time at UNCC to 4.5 years. That’s too much, I know I’ll be unhappy if I spend that much time here. I don’t have enough of a connection with this place for that, I’m looking too much towards a future – that is not here – for that.

So, no spring dance concert. It’s gotta be that way.

In other news, I bought a brand spankin’ new road bike on Saturday. It’s a Marin Mill Valley. It’s absurdly expensive, and it was definetly more then I should have spent on anything, especially since I want to move to another apartment complex next year. But… But… It’s one hell of a bike. I went on a 50 mile ride yesterday, and it was wonderful. I’m gonna go on a ride with Nathan on Thursday, and probably again over the weekend (solo). It’s extended my biking range one million fold. Before I could bike up to about 3 miles away (taking into account all the crazy hills) comfortably, now I can bike uptown. I’m going to try biking to the home economist pretty soon, and if I can do that then I’ll be almost 100% car dependent, and I’ll only have to drive the truck when I’m going out of town or carrying people / heavy stuff.

I really like hanging out with Robin. I feel like she in many ways embodies what I want to be as a person. Not all ways, but certainly in ways that no one else is, down here.

So, I’ve been thinking – frequently in Diff EQ, for some reason – that I want to make contact with Julia again. More then anything, I’m uneasy about the fact that there’s this barrier, this established not-quite-but-almost hostility (at least, as I perceive it) that doesn’t reflect how I feel, and probably doesn’t reflect how she feels, either. I don’t hold any resentment or ill will towards her, but I act as if I do, or rather, at this point I’ve yet to act as if I don’t. I don’t like that one bit. But every time we’ve started talking again, things go okay until someone gets upset and things explode. Usually I do the exploding, though imploding is probably a better thing, since the result is less often anger and more often hiding. Why is that? I think it’s because it’s so ingrained in my brain that when I’m with her we’re supposed to function as a couple, that when we function contrary to that I freak out. It’s not that I expect otherwise, it’s just that I’ve been conditioned to act that way. Now, I don’t think that’ll ever realistically go completely away, but I do think that I can think and work my way though it to the point that I can maintain an approximate equilibrium between internal and external pressures, so that no imploding or exploding occurs. So, at some point in the not too distant future, perhaps I’ll give her a call and try again; I think it’ll work this time.

On that topic, I’ve been thinking for a bit that my thoughts on leaving that relationship, and Hampshire, too, general have changed quite a bit over the past year and a half. For a long while after we broke up I was very arrogant about my role in all the things that made me unhappy up there – I largely saw myself as not responsible for it. That’s silly, I was very much responsible the aspects of my life there that I was unhappy with. I narrowed my view of the world and people that I was around to the point of self isolation. I frequently made irrational and unfair judgements on people and processes, and for goodness sake, I spent way too much time reading about cars. When I became aware of a problem in my relationship I would do nothing, and expect the problem to get better, and get upset when it didn’t. In short, I was very hypocritical. It’s a shame that I lost an oppertunity to enjoy a place that, though it had its faults, had some very unique oppertunities, but in the long run everything that transpired was a wonderful experience, and I’ve certainlly come a long way as a result of it.

I had a circuits test today. I studied for it all day. It owned me. Damn. I have no idea how he’ll grade it, since he might curve it pretty hard, therefore I have no idea how I did. Damn.

I like school. I like everything I’m doing. Why is it easy to forget that? Especially on Mondays. Not because Monday is the first day of the week, but because it’s the busiest. That’s one good thing about this semester – each week out starts off with a hardcore kick in the ass, but it’s all gliding down hill from there. Gliding down hill on a brand new Marin Mill Valley road bike with a carbon fiber fork and seat stay, that is.

I’ve gotten really into the original series of Star Trek, recently. I’m not sure why. I sure do love Kirk and Spock, though. Boy golly do they have their moments.

Why are Batman references so entertaining? Everything is funnier if you put “bat” in front of it. Don’t grab me a beer from the fridge – grab me a bat-beer from the bat-fridge!

I’ve got series doubts about the dance concert. Serious doubts. About everything. It’ll probably go fine, and in the end it’s a lot of fun, but this piece is crazy and my left shoe is too loose.

So, a new development in my research into fluid relationships (in the all-encompassing sense, not the couple sense. Damn these words are lame, we need a stronger word set). I like letting things grow and change as they will, and I’m fairly comfortable with open relationships (okay, yeah, that is in reference to couple type relationships). Interacting with people without titles and long term expectations – walls – road signs – fences – policies – is just really damn nice. However, it becomes more complicated when relationships with other people don’t share that intent or design. They can substantially alter the nature of these undefined, fluid relationships that they’re tangential to; they can create walls that otherwise wouldn’t have been there. That’s a problem, eh? An inevitable one at that. How do you deal with that? Or don’t you?
I know that no relationship (in all encompassing sense) will ever get even close to true boundlessness. Our lives are so heavily based on patterns (they of course have to be) that all this talk about “fluid relationships” and the like are only such when looked at on a very narrow, relative scale. But that’s okay. Everything we is on a very narrow, relative scale.

Just wanted to throw that out.
I walked around in the basement of the new Mechanical Engineering Building (will they hurry up an give that place a name?) today, and holy damn it was cool. The shops and labs down there aren’t as big as in Cameron (though they’re still pretty damn big), but holy damn do they have some cool stuff.

Why do I get into a different musical instrument every year?

In Pride today I was half joking when I told Jason that majors that don’t require calculus are incomplete educations. I was only half joking, though. Math and physical science are so so so profoundly important in understanding the world, to understanding life and philosophy and everything, it’s a terrible shame that we don’t give it all the attention that we should. It’s also a shame that we teach it in such dry, boring ways. Oh well.

Why do I ask so many questions on here? Especially questions that I already know the answer do, and in many cases provide them directly after asking the question? A lack of writing skill, or a byproduct of train of thought “flowage”?

^see, a question…

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