Thursday, November 24, 2005 November 24, 2005Posted by johnisenglish in Journalish.
Good god I’m bored. How bored, you ask? I’m reading the myspace profiles of people that I don’t even know. That bored.
As much as I do love my family, I’m not terribly into visiting Greensboro. There’s nothing wrong with it, or bad here, but I have so much that I do in Charlotte that coming here like going from 100 miles per hour to 5. Unfortunatly, Chris is spending Thanksgiving with his girlfriend, Keith with his family at Myrtle Beach, and David in West Virginia. That dosen’t leave many people. I’m hanging out with Jen tomorrow, fortunatly, but that’s about it.
I spent about 6 hours doing homework at Tate Street yesterday, and I spent about 4 hours researching and applying for internships over the summer, today. I can’t believe how much Physics I need to go though in order to perpair for the test on Thursday. I have to do well. I have to do well. If I don’t, I fail, and that’d be horrifically terrible. Astratov’s class is so damn easy, why do I have to have Aktas who’s so damn impossible? My class went from 120 people to 40 something in the area of a month. Lame.
My parents house is just so absurd. I don’t use that word lightly in this situation (as I very often do). I think that absurd is the best word for it. Nothing works, and if it does work, my mom takes it apart and never puts it back together, or worse, puts it back together in such a way that its origional function in completely disabled, thereby fooling you into thinking you can use it. The door to the bathroom only opens to about 30 degrees. That’s just crazy! Most of the other doors don’t have door nobs, the chairs don’t have seats, and wherever you go extremely dirty dogs jump on you and bark. I spent two days cleaning out my Mom’s mess in the garage right before the summer ended. I looked in there yesterday only to find that so much junk has been thrown (litterally – not stacked or placed but forcefully tossed) in there that at most points the uncontrolled mass makes physical contact with the ceiling. The thing is, it’s always been this way, and it always will be this way. I don’t know why it bothers me so much now that I don’t live here anymore and infrequently visit, but it definetly gets to me. When I did live here I really resented it. I always felt like my parents should provide a less crazy living environment. What bothers me is I think part of me feels that I’m above this and shouldn’t have to deal with it. That’s probably not a very good way to feel about one’s family, or at least the house they live in. I just feel like everyone should be above this sort of disregard for one’s space. It isn’t even disregard, though, since everyone of us gets upset about it fairly often. It seems like its a laziness that keeps anything from getting done. I’m deeply afraid of becoming absorded in that kind of laziness, which is probably a good part of why I’m so intense at Charlotte and do so many things (and try to keep my apartment nice, for the most part). Interestingly, I wasn’t like that at Hampshire. I let everything fall apart, I didn’t take care of my committments and I felt very agitated all the time. I feel very agitated right now, and I have been for as long as I’ve been in this house. I don’t feel like that in Charlotte, at least never in this way. Am I just falling into old roles or is there something here that’s activly causing that? Either way, I want to go home. I don’t want the life that I life when I live here, I want the life that I’ve made for myself elsewhere.
I think this is the thing: I have to learn to seperate myself from this absorption that happens when I come here. I can’t let myself be so quickly thrown off balance. I need a broader prespective. Who dosen’t?
Well, that was quite a rant, and surely blown out of propotion but that is the nature of these mental devices, I suppose.
In other news, the dance concert went quite well. I had an absolutly wonderful two weeks of dress rehearsals and shows, and I definetly look forward to doing it again. On Monday I got to see the video tape of one of our dress rehearsals, and it made me realize how far I have to go. I’m getting the basic mechanics down again, but there’s a world of technique that I need to dive into.
At some point this month I went to not being too fond of this semester to really appreciating it. Last year was me finding my place in Charlotte, the summer was me making it my home, and this semester has been my chance to get down to buisness. I’ve had some very serious classes, which despite the fact that they’ve all kicked my ass on several occasions, I’m doing well in, Earth Club has quadrupled its membership and has made some pretty good progress, I’ve established myself in the dance program and god damn it, I’m in fucking good shape. I’m very proud about that, especially since I’ve been able to get into this shape while being vegan (ofcouse the truth of the matter is going vegan prompted me to take an active interest in my diet; had I not gone vegan that likely wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t be in such good shape). I can bike for hours, dance for hours, lift for hours, read for hours. I’m really enjoying being young, and that’s a fabulous feeling.
Ofcourse, there are certainly many hurdles left. Obviously I’ve got another two years to go, and it only gets harder from here. Next semester, despite all my plans to keep it this from happening, is going to be even more crowded and hectic then this year. I’ll have more classes, harder classes, just as much club and work stuff (and theoretically even more Earth Club stuff), more dance and now I’ll be doing research as well. Rough stuff, but I love it all. I spent two months trying to figure out what I was willing to drop, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m not going to drop any of it.
One great thing has happened over the course of this semester. I’ve learned to do homework at night, and be happy about it. I couldn’t do that before – when the sun went down so did my will to work. Now when the sun goes down things slow down just enough for me to concentrate on the papers in front of me and the pen in my hand.
I suppose the fact that I’ve invested myself in all these external things is responsible for a good portion of why I’ve been so angsty since I got to Greensboro – that which fufills me is 80 miles south. What’re the implications of that, eh? Is that a dangerous attachment to the material world? If so, is it really all that bad? I feel that in order to be so involved I have to have that connection with the world. If I retreat into my own mind then I remember that all things things are hopeless subjective and I lose that drive – I become content with myself and with the rest of the world. But maybe I need to stop thinking about it in terms of one of the other, maybe I should strive for a balance between the two in alternation. I know that balance already exists to an extent, but I think I need to focus on it and nuture it. That way when I’m away from those things that I’m attached to I can more comfortably step back and remember that in the end they, like everything else, don’t really matter. That’s right. I knew all of this already, I just needed to remember it.
I’m glad that I can induce this thought process and find stability. These patterns are so important to see and embrace. It really is true that everything can be modeled with sine and cos curves, isn’t it? Wow.
I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to get in touch with Beth, yet. I’d really like
update: Just called Beth, we’re hanging out tomorrow. w00t
Anyway, I suppose I should get back to my lovely lovely Physics homework. Hip Hip Huzzah?